Quantity matters

Uncategorized 7 Minutes

A couple weeks ago I shared my perspective on effective email communication. Today I thought I’d share another communication method that (at least, in my opinion) has gone a especially crazy since COVID. Although there are certainly certain groups in my life (ahem dear SAHM’s – we aren’t all on your schedule) that have been a challenge since long before COVID shut downs, group text messages have entered into a whole new level of overload since March.

While group texts are meant to be – and totally can be – a fun way to stay in contact with your friends and family, they can also be unbelievably bothersome. Texts always seem to roll in at the most inconvenient times (like when I’m on a call or putting my kid to sleep) and the incessant paging can be a major source of overstimulation and anxiety.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I am grateful for the possibilities that technology affords. I have close friends living all over the country; messaging platforms allow us to stay in contact despite the physical distance, different time zones, and busy schedules. But our expectations and our boundaries are aligned. Likewise, I belong to a number of social groups that utilize them very effectively (and keep that use to a minimum).

But not everyone knows how to do navigate group texts appropriately – or maybe they simply have different expectations. And there is a point when the sheer volume of messages stops serving the intended audience.

What’s more, group texts can be (and usually are) highly impersonal. We’ve all done it – had a quick update that felt easier to send to a group in a large blast instead of crafting individual messages – but it’s actually pretty lazy. We rely on group messages more than we should in our social circles.

Since COVID I’ve become even more overwhelmed by messages. Because we’ve been almost exclusively virtual for several months, I’ve realized just how many of these group messages serve a purpose beyond instant gratification for the senders. Between work and school messages I’m already on information overload. When I get added to a group thread about someone’s kid watching VeggieTales, it definitely pushes me over the edge of my available stimulation and people juice.

I have a few personal rules for text messaging – for individual messages and, more especially, group communication. My close friends all generally follows these rules. They are pretty simple. And following them will keep the world running pretty smoothly.

Adjust your timeline

Don’t expect an immediate response. People have lives and jobs and kids and other obligations. If you do need a quick response, just remember that “back in 1876 an ol’ boy named Bell created a contraption that we know so well” …. Just pick up the dang phone. If it’s personal and it’s not an emergency, it’s okay to send a message before you forget, but make sure to add “this is totally not urgent, friend,” to the end of your message.

Use your big boy / big girl words

One word text like ‘kk’ or “LOL” are conversation killers. Don’t use them. Unless you don’t have an adult vocabulary (and, if you’re reading this I’m sure you do). Short confirmations like “Taking care of it” or “just tell me when and where” work just fine, but, as most parents say at some point: Use your big boy words, please.”

And the same goes for iPhone reactions. There are circumstances – like a one-on-one message – where they can be helpful. But by and large they are just not okay. They might save you some time but the rest of your group still has to open the message just to see that so-and-so “thumbs-upped” another person’s message.

And, unless you know for a fact that everyone on your thread uses an iPhone (and probably not even then), you’re dooming the rest of your thread cumbersomely spelled out messages that inform them that “Shelley laughed at [followed by the entirety of the reacted-to text message].” I can say from experience that receiving 12 of those in a row is maddening. Reactions are lazy. Use your big girl words and just type a sensible response.

Consider the Context & Content

Before you start a group text think about the context (the circumstances that form the setting for a statement or idea) and the content (the substance or material dealt with in a speech, literary work, etc.) … that means ask yourself those 6 one-word questions we all learned in high school English: Who; What; Where; Why; When; and How.

  • Who really needs to see this information?
  • What is the point of this message?
  • Where do you envision this message going (ie do you have an end-goal)?
  • Why should it be a group text (as opposed to a one-to-one text, email, or phone call)
  • When are you going to send it? (ie How does it impact recipients in their day-to-day routines?)
  • How is the platform (ie text, Messenger, GroupMe, etc) meeting the needs of the group?

Carefully consider the reason for sending this message. What do you hope to accomplish? And consider the target audience. Is it stay connected while we’re all sheltering in place? Or is to keep an open channel for important group announcements?

Consider your timing, your goal, and your intentions. Is sending a query about preferences at 9:00am or at 11:45pm going to be respectful of everyone in the group? Do you really need to send this in a text? Don’t be the person who needs to share every single second of their day; nobody needs pictures of your coffee every morning.

Who actually needs this information? If you’re reaching out to a large group with couples (like a Parents Night Out Wine Club or a Bible study) – unless it’s something you’ve discussed before – make sure you’re including every member, not just the wives/husbands. Just like with the CC email feature, consider carefully who you actually include.

And while we’re on the topic of who… Don’t create random groups of people and start sending information – nobody appreciates being included on a random list of people and getting responses from people they don’t know. It doesn’t matter how apropos you think the message is, do yourself and your friends a favor and turn off the group text messaging feature before hitting send. Both iPhone and Android have this option – so be a responsible adult and use it.

And finally, consider the platform you’re using…. Have you considered switching to GroupMe, Messenger, or one of the other myriad 21st century options that allow recipients to disable push notifications without having to leave the group altogether? Once you’ve added someone to a thread like that, it’s hard to get out. (Sure, you can technically remove yourself, but it’s difficult if you’re dealing with different operating systems… and you risk looking like a douche.) So consider all options and respect everyone you’ve decided to include.

Respect Boundaries

This is the biggest one, which is why I’ve saved it for last. Boundaries matter, folks. Not everyone has the same response to social or digital stimulation. We’ve already talked about audience, timeline, and subject matter…. Some people have legitimate reasons for not wanted to receive a stream of texts/messages.

Not everyone has (in fact, I would argue that most people don’t have) the time or energy to deal an endless stream of messages. We have lives that include families, work, household chores, wellness activities, and sleep. A barrage of message notifications can be a stressful disruption for people. There a many studies that show that “cognitive load” and constant connectedness ultimately leads to anxiety. These distractions do, in fact, have measurable impact on your family life and work performance.

It’s important to respect the boundaries of all group members; you need to have an agreed-upon set of ground rules before you start pinging people in a group. It doesn’t matter if it’s work, Bible study, book club, or your fitness training group. While some people might feel that it’s innocuous, it can actively create strain and resentment even in the closest of groups.

No matter how well-intentioned, if you’ve got a mix of introverts and extraverts, you’ve especially got to consider the ways in which communication is received. While extraverts basically narrate their lives by thinking (and typing) out loud, introverts have a much more measured response. The cognitive stimulation of a group text can be utterly overpowering to an introvert, taking a significant toll on their psyche.

So consider the people on your thread. Are you respecting their emotional boundaries and the demands on their proverbial plate by sending that message?

The bottom line….

Obviously I have strong feelings about this. But the resources below lead me to believe I’m not alone. Text messaging is not just about the sender. Everyone receives messages, stimulation, interruption differently. With millions of moms logging in from home WHILE managing virtual school (not to mention all the messages coming from schools) I believe there is no better time to examine how we approach messaging – especially group messages. Texting is so integrated into our lives that it often feels easy to hit send without thinking about how we are contributing to someone else’s load…. but even a momentary pause can have a significant impact on someone else’s day..

Thanks for reading today.

All my best,

Torie

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Here are some resources that I found helpful… they might be a little one-sided but given my own experience in the last 6 months I thought they were apropos.

This study, published in Computers in Human Behavior, was very interesting. You will need a library subscription to access it, though.

I like this YouTube video – it is very informative from a super-nerd perspective.

And this Bustle article is a good description about how stimulation and communication impacts people differently.

Published by tiredcrunchy

My name is Torie. I’m the wife of a U.S. Marine veteran, whom I affectionately call “Hubbin.” I’m the mother of sweet little girl that we often call “Tiny.” I have a B.A. in History. I hold Master’s of Liberal Arts in American Studies. I am a historian, I love to read and learn, and I am always trying to expand my mind and reach for the stars. I first started my Facebook page because I was so isolated as a new mother. I was in a graduate program; so I was neither a working mom nor was I a stay-at-home mom. Because the demands on my time were different than either of those groups I found myself consistently on the outside of mom circles, no matter how hard I tried to connect with other moms. When I had questions or concerns about my Tiny it served to heighten my sense of isolation. Because of this I read of lot sources from many points of view and used those to formulate my own opinions. I certainly don’t have it all figured out. But I’ve done a lot of reading that I thought was worth sharing.

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